June 3, 2013

How to Deal with Peer Pressure: I’m not very good at advice, but can I offer you a sarcastic comment?

At this age, it’s impossible not to be influenced by at least some people, whether it’s your best friends, your parents, people you see on the television, magazines, or even strangers. Some times it’s easy to think you’re doing the right or cool thing because you see others doing the same thing. People influence you and can pressure you into doing things based on many different factors—newspapers and magazines use celebrities with those certain issues of habits and make it look like its okay for regular people to do, also. Many times, once we have a close friend who is suddenly doing that thing that we once absolutely abhorred, it suddenly doesn’t seem as bad as it once was.

There are many ways to refuse to do things, and they even come from some of the celebrities. It’s nice to see that even celebrities can refute the grips of bad habits. One way, is to pull a Louis Tomlinson and sass your way out of peer pressure. When someone, or a group of people, are trying to convince you to do something, pull something from the books of the sass master of Doncaster (England). Whip that head, cock your hip, pull out that finger and get your sass on. Generally, ending sentences with words like ‘imbecile,’ ‘peasant,’ or ‘dark lord of the underworld,’ can help you get your point across. Always remember to use words that are too large for that Neanderthal’s vocabulary. If you can’t beat them with sheer force, beat them with the sassiness and the intelligence of your vernacular. Example:

Henry: Yo, I got some weed, yo. Want some?
Rolanda (you): OH MY GOD, EW. NO, GET AWAY FROM ME.
Henry: Come on, Rolanda, it’ll make you feel better, yo.
Rolanda (you): That rubbish is for swine like you, and I will not take part in your stupidity and reap the consequences that come from it, imbecile.
Henry: yo, what does that even mean, homie?

But, if your sassy meter is down for the day from a refined conversation with other intelligent life forms, you can always revert to the awkward comic relief of the one and only Mrs. Chanandler Bong (Chandler Bing). Sometimes, being sassy/saucy doesn’t work with people; because it offends them once they decide that Neanderthal isn’t really a term of endearment (even thought that’s what their Mom has called them for their entire life.) It’s easy to pull a joke and exit in the case where things get tense! Simply refer to your favorite jokes about the item or action in question, or pull an all around best one liner out and go for it.  Example:

Henry: What does that mean? Why are you being so rude to me, you fabulous angelic being? Do I really need to bust your face in?
You: Oh my God, this parachute’s a knapsack.
(Exit stage left, or fall behind large furniture piece.)
(Everyone laughs at your hilarious antics and leaves you to your own habits.)

Now, let’s be honest here. Sometimes, these jokes aren’t as funny as we’d like them to be, or maybe we’re scared enough to not be able to think of any. In that case, our minds should race to the one and only person who always has the perfect line to both insult, stun, and show the lack of intelligence of the offender; Tony Stark/ Robert Downey Jr. /Iron Man. But remember not to go too far—Iron Man has laser blasters, and unfortunately, you don’t even have the mildly protective weapon of spider webs. Laser blasters are a sure fire way to get someone off your back. But, most of us aren’t lucky enough to have those at ready, so we must settle for the slightly less abrasive protection of insults at the ready. When insulting, also remember that while putting that person down, you should also explain how you are much better than him/her. In an argument, it’s best to end it with a show stopping sentence or statement such as: “It doesn’t matter; I’m Iron Man and you’re not.” Things to keep in mind while throwing around this powerful weapon? You do not actually have butt blaster jets that could instantly stun or decapitate an opposing force. You don’t actually have enough money to fix everything you break. You are not actually Iron Man. You’re not actually Tony Stark. You’re not Robert Downey Jr. You’re not even dating Gwyneth Paltrow. (What a strange way to tear someone down, right?) Things to insult on a person while winning an argument? Their hair, their house, their car, their music, their girlfriend/boyfriend, their friends, their lousy house cat named Mittens, and most importantly; their mom. (No examples needed here.)

Another way to diffuse the situation is to apologize. Even if you haven’t done anything wrong, it’s alright to apologize. Things to apologize for, you may ask? You should apologize for the awful haircut they have, for their lack of brain cells due to the item/habit in question, their love of dolls (or action figures), their immense stupidity that lead them into an argument with you, or apologize for their mom liking you better than them (works every time.)

The last way to get out of peer pressure is by pulling a Jennifer Lawrence. The idea here is to basically have a conversation without actually listening to what the other person is saying. Mention things like the fact that you’re hungry, that you don’t actually work out to look as good as you do, that you got into a car accident with a giant one eyed hawk because you thought you saw Honey Boo Boo (turns out it was a giant pig on two legs), or that you’re disappointed that you cannot ingest all of the awards and titles that have been bestowed upon you. It keeps people confused enough to think you’re already on drugs, so they wont ask you to join in. Example:

Henry: Stop insulting my mom, you angelic creature that must have flown out of heaven’s front gates!
You: Yeah, I’m starved.
Henry: Well you too! Wait… what?
You: I don’t know. But I was in bed until three, ate French fries and watched a zombie movie.
Henry: That’s…nice? I was going to ask you if you wanted to join in on the bong.
You: Yeah, sometimes I play tennis with people who walk on the sidewalk in front of my house. It changes the atmosphere. Sometimes it rains.
Henry: I’m going to leave now.
You: I have a car!
(Henry exits stage right.)
(You laugh like a maniac and insult someone else on their shoes, then make crazy eyes.)

So, you see, it can be hard to deal with the pressure put on you by even your closest friends. But with the right directions and instructions, you can almost always get out of it without causing a fight or reverting to violence to get out of the situation.

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